“Don’t Pee Down My Back and Tell Me It’s Raining”

By Patricia White

 

I have heard most of these sayings ‘dang near’ all my life. I’ve tried to explain the context in which they may have been used and my take on them. The names have been changed to protect the innocent but some of the words could not be changed, lest they lose authenticity. If you are offended, remember words are just words…

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Mama said.

Bird Nest on the Ground- Finding a treasure in an unexpected place, like $100 on the Casino floor or full roll of toilet paper out in the woods.  

Cold as a Witches Tit in a snow bound – Think Madonna in her pointed metal bra, skiing in Beaver Creek, Colorado. Pretty dang cold.

You’re Cruising for a bruising – Don’t mess with me or I’ll give you a knuckle sandwich.

Split your britches - You have really screwed things up. Jesus take the wheel.

Gickempucky- Any kind of stuff one mixed up with unknown ingredients. Like stuff grandma concocted and grandpa rubbed on his athlete’s feet.   

She thought she killed a fat hog – Bought Kraft Dinner at dollar store, five for a dollar, and they threw an extra in for free.

That chaps my butt –  Someone really pisses you off. Like a case of the royal red ass. Boudreaux’s Butt Paste doesn’t help much in this situation. Remember though, being pissed off is better than being pissed on.

Make Hay while the sun shines-  Earn money when opportunity presents. Like, selling sliced, homemade pound cake by the coffee pot after church on Sunday. It also means, work you’re a$$ off when the getting is good because tomorrow is never promised.

Whitie’s out of jail – If someone yelled this at you back in the day, it meant your slip was showing; with today’s short skirts it might mean your panties. Just saying. And who wears slips?  

Not enough cloth to pad a crutch – Description of above mentioned skirt.

Step-ins – What my mama called our panties. Step into your step-ins.

“Shotgun” – When a bunch of us were heading out of the house to the car, whoever yelled “Shotgun,” had dibs on the front passenger seat by the window and control of the radio.

Up Shit Creek without a paddle- There’s no getting out of this mess. You in deep doo doo. Start praying. 

Narrow-minded – When I was a teenager, I could not go out with a boy who was non-Catholic (specifically Baptist) or from the North side of the tracks. My Daddy was narrow- minded.

Fat lot of good that did – Had nothing to do with fat or good. When your mama sent you to the store for sausage and you came home with a can of Vienna sausage, fat lot of good that did when she was making Gumbo.

Nervous as a whore in church- Well now, this shouldn’t take too much ‘splaining, especially when she saw the Priest with the torch, lighting the candles, chanting, Sinners come home.

Hissy Fit- This is more of a Southern term for when one gets her panties in a big wad and runs around crying, swearing, demanding and throwing things. Somebody better fetch her a Valium or a glass of wine, pdq. 

Running around Like a chicken with its head cut off- That would be me an hour before company is arriving. If you’ve never been to a farm-yard chicken slaughter, then you don’t know that after a chicken’s neck has been wrung, (sorry) and its head is gone, (sorry again) it keeps running around in circles. FOREVA!

Doesn’t have Pot to piss in or window to throw it out of- Now, this poor soul is really broke. All I can say is, God Bless him.

I swan – What my grandma used to say when she found something hard to believe. I think it was short for I Swanny…. or ladylike for I swear!

Couldn’t find his a$$ with both hands – An obviously stupid person who is beyond help. You can’t fix stupid.

Grinning like a possum eating sour grapes - Possums usually live on bugs, worms, berries and the like. Eating sour grapes would bring on a smile where their lips curl back and you can see teeth. People who grin like this are usually guilty of something.

Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s raining – Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. I know what rain smells like. 

If her lips are moving she’s lying – Need I say more? You know who you are.

Snatch her bald – What I will do if a woman tries to steal my husband. 

Better give your heart to Jesus ‘cause your butt is mine – You have pissed me off one time too many. Taking no prisoners. Run like hell.

$hitting in high cotton – How the Nuevo riche’ act until the money is gone...or the boll weevils eat all the cotton.

Thinks the Sun shines out of his behind –Over-inflated ego. (you’re thinking of someone, right?)

It came a turd floater – Rain came down so hard, it flooded the yard and the dog poop came floating up.

Like a cow pissing on a flat rock -When rain hits the sidewalk so hard, it makes a big splash.  

Don’t make me go to lying- What you said when asked about something you were not supposed to tell or when asked something you knew the asker really didn’t want to hear the answer to. 

Birds of a Feather Flock together – If you love Jesus but drinks a bit, you will seek out like- souls. If you’re still here reading this and can relate to some of these slightly irreverent definitions........I guess we’re Birds of a Feather. 

 

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Hope this clears up some matters for you and gives you pause for a chuckle.

Be Blessed!!